COSMOPOLITAN GIRL
(Janis Ian)
I WAS ONLY 29 AND LONELY AS A BULL MOOSE IN HEAT
WHEN HE CAME ALONG, SINGING THAT SAME OLD SONG
I SAID - YOU KNOW I'M ENTERING MY PRIME
THIRTY-ONE TO THIRTY-NINE
BET YOU'VE READ THE ARTICLES, TOO
STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, MY HORMONES ARE CREEPING
I CAN FEEL THEM MOVING IN THE NIGHT
BUT LIKE THE ARTICLES SAY - I AM WOMAN
I CAN WAIT UNTIL IT'S RIGHT
I WANT TO BE A COSMOPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN
COSMOPOLITAN GIRL
TAKE HALF A DOZEN LOVERS, TEACH THEM WHAT I'VE SEEN
INBETWEEN THE COVERS OF MY FAVORITE MAGAZINE
I WANT TO READ STATISTICS, PLAN LOGISTICS
LIVE MY LIFE TO THE HILT
WITHOUT SHAME, WITHOUT PAIN, WITHOUT GUILT
I HIT THIRTY WAITING FOR MY ENDOCRINES
TO MATCH THE QUESTIONNAIRES
HE GREW IMPATIENT, I SAID - I'M SAVING MYSELF
MEANTIME, LET'S DO SOME THERAPY
TAKE A COURSE IN CODEPENDENCY
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, YOU COULD LOSE SOME WEIGHT
WE'VE GOT SO MUCH TO SHARE
NO, DON'T TOUCH ME THERE
WHAT'S ANOTHER YEAR BETWEEN FRIENDS
THE WAIT WILL BE WORTH IT
I'M BOUND TO BE PERFECT BY THEN
I WANT TO BE A COSMOPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN
COSMOPOLITAN GIRL
I'M READING KAMA SUTRA - IBOUGHT IT ON CASSETTE
I FOUND A CHIROPRACTOR WHO CAN LIMBER UP MY NECK
I WANT THAT FIRST TIME FLAWLESS, REALLY LAWLESS
LIVE MY LIFE TO THE HILT
WITHOUT SHAME, WITHOUT PAIN, WITHOUT GUILT
THE BIG DAY FINALLY CAME
THERE WAS A NOTE ON THE DOOR
IT SAID - HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER ME BY
I'VE FALLEN FOR A WAITRESS WHO ACCEPTS HER CELLULITE
THIS IS A COSMOPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN, COSMOPOLITAN GIFT
AND I KNOW THAT YOU'LL APPRECIATE IT WHEN YOU THINK OF ME
ALL THOSE EMPTY NIGHTS WHILE YOU'RE PROTECTING YOUR VIRGINITY
THIS GIFT IS FLAWLESS, THIS GIFT IS CORDLESS
SO ENJOY IT TO THE HILT
WITHOUT SHAME, WITHOUT PAIN, WITHOUT GUILT
WITHOUT SHAME, WITHOUT PAIN, WITHOUT GUILT
NO SHAME, NO PAIN, NO GUILT