Officer Fuhrman Bob Rivers

Officer Fuhrman driving through Brentwood At night with a glove in his bag, his evidence bag. Waits at the Bronco; opens the window To leave a few drops on the floor, a smudge on the door.

The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to meIs finding a Christmas treeThe second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:Angry husband:Rigging up the lightsAnd finding a Christmas tre...

The Chimney Song Bob Rivers

There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is,But it's been there all night long.Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas nightBut he never came and it don't seem right.Tha...

We Wish You Weren't Living With Us Bob Rivers

"We wish you weren't living with usWe wish you weren't living with usWe wish you weren't living with usWe're not happy you're hereYou drive everybody crazyYou're hopelessly fat and lazyYou're const...

Wreck The Malls Bob Rivers

"Wreck the malls this Christmas seasonFa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laBlow your cash for no good reasonFa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laPush your charge card to the limitFa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-laCheckbook ...

O Come All Ye Grateful Dead-Heads Bob Rivers

"Oh come all ye GratefulDeadheads to the concertOh come Grateful DeadheadsAnd camp in the streetBring rolling papersDon't forget your sleeping bagsOh come get us some floor seatsWe followed them fo...

Foreigners Bob Rivers

"Foreigners...Infiltrate our nation,Foreigners...Take jobs from Americans.Hey, we want to be Americans,But we're illegal aliens,And we really like it here,Though we don't speak the language clear.F...

Joy To The World Bob Rivers

The Lord has comeLet earth receive her KingLet every heart prepare Him roomAnd heaven and nature singAnd heaven and nature singAnd heaven and heaven and nature singJoy to the worldThe Lord has come...

There's Another Santa Claus Bob Rivers

There's another Santa ClausThere's another Santa ClausThere's another Santa Claus thereEverywhere you look you can't escapeThere's Santas everywhereBells are ringing, children screamingSomething do...

Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear Bob Rivers

"Lacey things, the wife is missing.Didn't ask, for her permissionI'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose.Walking around in women's underwear.In the store, there's a teddy.With little straps, l...

I Am Santa Claus Bob Rivers

I am Santa ClausHo ho ho ho ho Flying Through the snow Can you hear him ho ho ho He's so full of cheer only has to work one day a yearChildren in their bedsVisions of sugar plums fill their headsSo...

Manger 6 Bob Rivers

Hi, this is Tom Bodett for Manger 6. We know you have been traveling a lot this holiday season and you've probably beentold there is no room at the Inn. Well, that's just not the case here at Mange...

O Little Town Of Bethlehem Bob Rivers

"Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lieAbove thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go byYet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting lightThe hopes and fears of all the ...

I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers

I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly in...

Grahbe Yahbalz Bob Rivers

Grab your balls like Michael Jacksonfa la la la la la la la la laAdd some pelvic thrusting actionfa la la la la la la la la laDon we now our leather jacketsfa la la la la la la la la laPick that cr...

A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers

Dear Santa Claus,It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Normall...

Jingle Hells Bells Bob Rivers

Ho Ho HoHo Ho HoLike Guns N Roses with Axel Rose spittin'Ozzie's black eyes and the bats that he's bittenBig Marshall stacks and a broken E-stringThese are a few of my favorite thingsHo Ho HoPentho...

It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year Bob Rivers

It's the most fattening time of the yearWith that pumpkin pie fillingand everyone swilling down eggnog and beerIt's the most fattening time of the yearIt's the lip smackingest season of allwhile yo...

There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers

There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and RollTake a look at the double chinHe's weighing about 310With golden chains and sequined belt belowThere's a Santa who looks a lot li...

All You Need Is Elves Bob Rivers

Elves, elves, elvesElves, elves, elvesElves, elves, elvesSanta doesn't shop at Toys "R" UsDoesn't have to fight the Christmas rushHe's never out of stock of even the hardest toys and gamesIt's easy...

Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers

“Thong March”Thong!What a delightful gift ideaThong!Magical shorts that disappearBuy your loved one this NoëlThe kind of gift he can't resellBecause it kind of smellsIf someone else has tried it o...

Minimum Wage Bob Rivers

-Welcome to BurgerDoodle, can I have your order please?-Oh yes. I'd like a Spiffy Burger with low fat cheese and an order of seasoned curly fries but only if they're cooked in virgin peanut oil.-Um...

Free As A Turd Bob Rivers

Please, Don't put out this turd.It's a piece of crap to meCan hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do?We made Michael Jackson one rich mother.John wouldn't like this...

Spinning Reel Bob Rivers

(Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears)Rod goes upLine goes outSpinning reelFishing for troutCasting toward the bubbles and you reel it inHook a speckled rainbow watch the spinning reel spinYou got...

Middle Age Waistline Bob Rivers

(Baba O'Riley - The Who)I eat Mrs. FieldsI snack between mealsYou can see my crack above my LevisI don't need to dietTo prove I'm lightAnd I don't peel the skin off of my chickenYeah yeah yeah yeah...

Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers

Goodbye to all my friends I've knownAnd the travel agent I trusted.I'm riding along on this beat-up old plane;Look out the window. All the rivets are rusted.As that ground crew pushes us backwardsO...

Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers

I bet you're wondering how I knewThat Prince Charles and Lady Di were through.Was waiting in line at the grocery store.Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore.And it took me by surprise I must say...

Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers

Got a flat in TimbuktuWaiting for AAAAnd I saw that single headlight through the rainFlagged the geezer in the car down,He was going the wrong wayWe sped away and left rubber on all four lanesHe pu...

When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers

When a man loves a chickenHe can't keep his mind on nothin' else,He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found.If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong.Road Island Red is his b...

I Used To Rock And Roll All Night Bob Rivers

You loved us when the band was hot.And now we're gonna give it one more shot.We're gettin' old,We must be crazy.We're puttin' on the makeup again.It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin.You bring the b...

Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers

I'm getting fatter all the time.I used to be size 32 and I never gave.My jeans used to fit, I looked cool.Now I'm not the same.Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round.And lately I can't see m...

I'm A Weight Watcher Bob Rivers

I'm a Weight Watcher,I'm a Weight Watcher,Watchin' food go by.My, my, my.I'm a Weight Watcher,I'm a plate watcher.Here comes a cream pieMmmm, mmm, mmm.I was just a boyWhen I tried to eat my toy.Cou...

OJ's Trial Thing Bob Rivers

O.J., O.J.O.J., I think you did it.But I wanna know for sure.You expect people to believe that there are people actually playing golf at ten o' clock at night?Ya wanna know what I think?I think you...

How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers

Lately all the songs I writeAre slow and on the mellow side.I used to stand on MTV,But now they bring a chair for me.Let me get a tube of ointmentLet's rub my achy joints,And turn my hearing aid lo...

Bowel Moves Bob Rivers

I was a little too stuffed, had to lose a few pounds,Pants too tight, seams bustin' out.Just had a big burrito with beans and rice,Salsa on top, with some extra spice,Lots of extra spice.Out there ...

Wrong Foot Amputated Bob Rivers

Wrong foot amputatedWrong foot amputatedHe got the wrong foot amputatedThe doctor had compassion he tried to cure my diseaseI was sweating on the way to the op room gave me sedatives to put me at e...

The Twisted Chipmunk Song Bob Rivers

(All right you Chipmunks! Ready to sing your song?-I'll say we are!-Yeah!-Let's sing it now!Okay, Simon?-Okay!Okay, Theodore?-Okay!Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN!-OKAY!!!)Christmas, Christmas time is ne...

Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire Bob Rivers

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Hot sauce dripping from their toes (Oh! That tickles!) Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir They poked hot skewers through their nose (Ow! Wrong end, ya...

The Angel Bob Rivers

The angel rides with hunch-backed children, poison oozing from his engineWieldin' love as a lethal weapon, on his way to hubcap heavenBaseball cards poked in his spokes, his boots in oil he's patie...

Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers

I'd like to find the guyWho done me wrongAnd stuck my butt upOn this Christmas tree.Who put the stumpIn my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump?Who took and jammed itIn my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong?Who stood the woodW...

Decorations Bob Rivers

I love the colored lights every yearAnd the way the neighbors stop their cars and stareI strap a Santa Claus on my roofPlastic candy canes and reindeer everywhereI'm stringin' up decorationsIt's st...

Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers

Hark all they gotTales seem to flowGin tinklingMore ChardonnayChristmas is hereDrinking the cheerIce cubes are coldMore Cuervo GoldDon't be a dinkWatch what you drinkDon't be a dorkDon't pop the co...

Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers

It's Christmas time and I'm in troubleGot too drunk at the company affairSat on the copier, wore no apparelDid it on a dareInsulted the boss and French-kissed a strangerPinched his butt poured beer...

Pokemon Bob Rivers

[Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do bel...

Homeless On the Holidays Bob Rivers

Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidaysCause no matter how filthy or uncombedIf you’re down on your luck you can really grazeFor the holidays we throw those bums a boneI met a man who dran...

He's So Jolly Bob Rivers

He's so jollySanta's so jollyChristmas night he's in his sled where he belongsYou're looking great, SantaLost some weight, SantaRed cheeks glowing, ho-ho-ho'ing, you keep growing strongI feel the r...

Flu Ride Bob Rivers

Just hear those noses snifflin'Sore throats ticklin' tooCome on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the fluOutside the snow is fallin'Your fever's at 102Let's take some Alka-SeltzerAnd a...

Officer The Pharcyde

had good bikes we need to exercise maybe we could take a hike an' you could give Sheri back those car keys because everywhere I walk I would not have to say please please don't pull me over mr. officer

Officer The Pharcyde

had good bikes we need to exercise maybe we could take a hike an' you could give Sheri back those car keys because everywhere I walk I would not have to say please please don't pull me over mr. officer

Officer Operation Ivy

destroy our underground All the happiness you destroy All the brutal tactics that you always employ All the fucking bullshit when will it ever stop The comparison is obvious: You're just a fucking cop Officer